FACING YOUR FEAR OF DIVORCE
When we get married we never think that it will end in divorce but it does happen. It happens more than we think. In Canada, about 38% of all marriages end in divorce. I never thought in my wildest dreams my marriage would end in divorce, I thought I was going to live happily ever after. A relationship with my best friend that lasted 23 years ended in divorce.
We tried everything to save our marriage but looking back now, he checked out before we even started to try to fix our marriage. What broke down between us was not 100% clear until several years out of the marriage. I thought my life was ending. I did not know what to do. The fear and anxiety were crippling me.
I Feared Change
The thought of change can be extremely overwhelming. Everything as you know it will change: where you live, your finances, your family, your friends, even the aspect of who gets the pets. It takes courage to face the unknown but facing change can be a positive thing. Change can be empowering. Change can be freeing, freeing yourself from an unhappy life and giving yourself a chance to be happy again.
I Feared Being Alone
I was afraid of being alone, afraid of starting over, and afraid if I would ever be happy again. I WAS afraid but not anymore because it does get better and you slowly mold into your new life. You learn very quickly who will support you and who will be there for you. It is important to find people who will be your village of support. The people in your life who will help you through and give you the confidence to face your fears. You can find support in all kinds of places and not limited to only your friends and family. There are also support groups, online groups, therapists, and divorce coaches who will be your safety net. Your support team can also consist of professionals, such as lawyers, forensic accountants, divorce financial analysts, and divorce realtors who will give you the tools to help you make informed decisions in your divorce process.
I Feared My Financial Future
This was my biggest fear, if I was going to be financially ok after my divorce. I was not sure if I could manage my own bills or how I was going to pay my lawyer or if dividing all the family assets would have a fair outcome. My emotions were running high and my decisions were clouded by these emotions. It is best to put these emotions aside and start thinking with a business mind. You are now splitting what once was an income for 1 household and now splitting it into two households. This is a critical financial transformation and you will have to face it with confidence. Do your research, get educated, find the right financial professionals and find the best solution that would benefit you, the children, and your spouse. It is easier to find a fair resolution for all parties than to lose a significant amount of money dragging it out through the court system.
I Feared For The Well-Being Of My Children
At the time of my divorce, my kids were very small. How was I going to manage two small children on my own? How was I going to work and still care for my kids? I was fortunate that my children’s father actually shows up and provide interaction with kids after the divorce. It wasn’t perfect but it was something. I did not have a lot of family to help me as some women do but I found help through friends and neighbors. The best solution I found at the time because my work schedule varied, was trading babysitting with a friend or neighbor or hiring a neighborhood teenager who can babysit on evenings and weekends. You will find what works for you over time. It is also extremely important to put your differences aside and to try to co-parent the best you can for your children’s sake. The better the co-parenting relationship the less stress there is.
I Feared The Process Of Divorce Itself
The fear and anxiety of divorce itself took me, hostage. I was unable to think or function. The fear of uncertainty, the fear of not knowing what the future will hold for me, and wondering if I can actually go through a divorce. I woke up one morning lying in my bed, trying to muster up enough energy to get up and get going after another restless night and then it dawned on me. I said to myself “What am I so afraid of? This is an opportunity to have a second chance in life, a new start, a fresh start, a do-over, the way I want my life to be.” I found the strength to say everything will be ok and to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Divorce is a scary thing. It is not every day you go through a divorce. It is all about how you approach it. Take time to learn about the process and don’t let your emotions get the best of you. You are a lot stronger than you think and you too will get through this one step at a time, one day at a time. You might not think it will ever get better but it does and with the help of your support group you will make it and move on with your new life.